


Movie Night

by kappamaki33



Category: Glee
Genre: Comedy, Gen, Humor, M/M, Movie Night, Season/Series 02
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2013-04-14
Updated: 2013-04-14
Packaged: 2017-12-08 11:36:39
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,180
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/760891
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/kappamaki33/pseuds/kappamaki33
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Rachel hosts an unorthodox slumber party, though it can't be that weird if the Sex and the City women did it first, right? </p><p>Set roughly in the latter half of Season 2.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Movie Night

**Author's Note:**

  * For [lls_mutant](https://archiveofourown.org/users/lls_mutant/gifts).
  * Inspired by [Let's Talk About Sex](https://archiveofourown.org/external_works/20155) by lls_mutant. 



It was no secret that Rachel Berry loved nothing more than a rapt audience. She wasn’t used to having such an audience when she was offstage, though. Regardless, she was thoroughly enjoying the attention she got on Monday morning in the hallway outside the choir room, with Mercedes, Tina, Lauren, and Santana staring at her in stunned, slack-jawed amazement.

“Finn did _what_?” Tina asked.

“You heard it right. He asked to borrow my fathers’ pornographic DVDs,” Rachel said. “Of course, his request struck me speechless.”

“And we all know how unfortunately rare that is,” Santana muttered.

Rachel was too enthralled with her storytelling to respond to Santana with more than an eye-roll.

“At first, I thought, what amazing material for the anthem I’m penning for Nationals—the last two boys I’ve kissed coming to me in the grips of sexual identity crises—”

Santana fake-coughing “fag-hag” under her breath _did_ derail Rachel for a moment, but she recovered.

“Then, Finn said that it was sexual education material for Kurt. But both of them watched it. It was written all over their bright red faces when they brought the DVDs back.”

Mercedes laughed and shook her head. “Kurt and Finn watching gay porn together. There are so many ways I’m gonna give Kurt shit for that, I can’t even count them.”

Rachel almost begged Mercedes not to reveal that Rachel had betrayed his trust, but then she remembered that Kurt never had _explicitly_ told her to keep this a secret. Also, she remembered she was still irritated that Kurt, supposedly her best friend, hadn’t come to _her_ with his sex concerns first. She kept her mouth shut and nodded in agreement.

“Is it any good?” Lauren asked.

Rachel blinked in surprise. “Pardon?”

“Your dads’ porn. I assume if they went to the trouble of purchasing DVDs rather than just downloading it off the internet, the production values are high-quality. But is the sex itself good?”

For the second time that week, Rachel was speechless. Finally, she managed to say, “How should I know? I’ve certainly never watched it, and Finn and Kurt looked so uncomfortable when they returned the DVDs that I wasn’t about to ask their opinions.”

“You haven’t watched it?” Tina asked, surprised.

“Why not?” asked Lauren.

“Are you kidding me? It’s _my dads’ gay porn_!”

Mercedes said, “I get it. The idea of parents having sex…” She shivered. “Let’s put it this way. I firmly believe that throughout history, there have been three immaculate conceptions: Jesus, my brother, and me.”

Lauren was unfazed. “Putting the parental ick-factor aside, that’s too good of an opportunity to pass up. I did a lot of research when Puckerman and I were considering making a sex tape. Good gay porn can be much more appealing to women than heterosexual porn, because it focuses on the sexiness of the male body, not the male fantasy that women are no more than talkative blow-up dolls.”

“Women finding gay male sex erotic has a long and storied history,” Tina added, nodding. “Look at fanfiction. There are thousands of romances about Kirk and Spock, Arthur and Merlin, Dean and Castiel—most written by women. Not that I actually read or write fan fiction,” she tacked on awkwardly when she realized all eyes and a few raised eyebrows were directed at her.

“Well, I do,” Lauren said with a shrug. “If no one else will say it, I will. Sounds like it’s high time we had a girls’ movie night at Berry’s house.”

***

Rachel couldn’t decide whether it was lucky or unlucky that her dads’ monthly date night was that Friday. On the one hand, it was really nice to have actual _girlfriends_ who wanted to come over to her house. At first glance, it looked like a normal enough slumber party. Mercedes and Tina sat beside Rachel on the floor, all three wearing pastel pajama suits and fluffy slippers. Santana was behind them, laying on the bed with the bowl of popcorn and occasionally flicking the old maids at the back of Rachel’s head. Lauren sat beside Santana, wearing sweats and a “Team Jakeward” Twilight t-shirt.

On the other hand, Rachel had always envisioned a slumber party involving more karaoke and nail-painting than this.

“Let’s get this party started,” Mercedes said as she popped the first DVD into the player.

“Shouldn’t we wait for Brittany and Quinn?” Rachel said, trying and failing to hide the onset of nerves.

“They’re not coming,” Santana said. “Brittany’s in Toledo visiting her grandparents, and there was no way I was telling Saint Prude about this.”

“Relax, Rachel. There’s nothing weird about this. The ladies on _Sex and the City_ watched gay porn together all the time,” Tina said, patting Rachel’s shoulder.

“Shh, it’s starting!” Mercedes said.

Lauren said, “You know, it’s really not about the dialogue.”

Regardless, a hush fell over the room as two incredibly good-looking men appeared onscreen and began to undress each other.

“Okay, good start, I’m liking the shirtless guys,” Mercedes said.

Tina munched on popcorn and nodded.

“The kissing is a bit more…aggressive than I’d envisioned,” Rachel said.

“And over way too soon,” Tina said as the men broke apart to get at each other’s flies. 

The others agreed with a chorus of disappointed “awws,” which morphed into, “ohhh my god” when their pants hit the ground.

“Penises are not that big in real life,” Rachel said, eyes wide. She tore her gaze from the TV to look at the other girls. “Are they?”

Santana said, “Finn’s definitely isn’t, so don’t worry, Berry, your vagina is safe.”

“I think the blonde’s dick is a prosthetic,” Lauren commented evenly. “The dark-haired guy, I don’t know.”

Tina tilted her head. “I don’t get the gay obsession with dick. I mean, I’m attracted to men and what they can _do_ with their dicks, but dicks themselves are kind of weird-looking.”

Santana held her hand up for a high-five. “Amen, sister.”

“For one, because they can do _that_ ,” Lauren said, redirecting everyone’s attention to the screen. “Welcome, ladies, to the wonderful world of frottage.”

Another long stretch of appreciative silence.

“Wow,” was all Rachel could say when it ended.

“Yeah, wow,” Mercedes and Tina said simultaneously.

“Your dads have good taste,” Lauren added.

“Eh,” Santana said. “It wasn’t that great.”

“Oh no, it was,” Lauren said, deadly serious. “Whether or not it appealed to you in particular, that was an objectively stellar piece of adult film making. Let me break it down for you. For one—”

Lauren and Santana’s argument no doubt would have been one for the ages, but they were interrupted by Tina’s shriek.

They all turned back to the screen.

“Oh my—”

“Holy—”

“That’s not—”

Rachel covered her eyes with her hands, then peeked out between her fingers. “Oh my god, my dads do _not_ do that!”

Mercedes grimaced. “Rachel! This is bad enough—I didn’t need _that_ mental picture, too!”

“Unless your dads have a secret double life as circus contortionists, I’m pretty sure they don’t do that, either,” Lauren said. Even she looked shocked.

They all stared at the TV, cycling through different expressions of horror and amazement for a long time. Then Santana started laughing.

Rachel turned and looked at her like she was crazy. “What can you possibly find funny about that?”

Santana was laughing so hard she could barely answer. “The thought of _Kurt and Finn_ watching this!”

It took a moment, but Mercedes started to giggle, too. Then Lauren and Tina joined in, and finally…yes, even Rachel could appreciate how amusing it would have been to be a fly on the wall in _that_ screening.

***

The house was dark when Hiram and LeRoy came home. Hiram started kissing LeRoy before LeRoy even got his jacket off. The opera had probably been quite good, but Hiram had kept letting his hand sneak up LeRoy’s thigh so often that by intermission, they either needed to go home or risk getting caught having a quickie in the men’s room. Cooler heads had prevailed.

“I don’t think I can make it to the bedroom,” Hiram said, wrapping his arms around LeRoy and backing him into the couch.

“You have to,” LeRoy laughed. “Rachel could walk in on us.”

Hiram silenced him with a kiss. They broke apart, both breathing heavily. Hiram said, “She’s asleep, she’ll never know. Plus, she’s a very well-adjusted and open-minded young lady. She will not be scarred for life if she accidentally sees her fathers showing a little physical affection.”

LeRoy wanted to say, _it’s a good thing at least one of us can think with more than our dick tonight,_ but he refrained. “ _I’ll_ be scarred for life if she does.” Then he lowered his voice to a growl. “Not to mention, you’d better be planning on more than just ‘a little physical affection.’”

“Ohh.” Hiram shivered appreciatively.

Just as Hiram dove in for another kiss, they heard giggling coming from upstairs. Specifically, the giggling of multiple teenage girls coming from Rachel’s bedroom, which had the effect of a bucket of cold water being dumped on them.

“Rachel didn’t say anything about having friends over to you, did she?” LeRoy asked.

Hiram shook his head. Of course, they would have allowed Rachel to have friends over if she’d asked, and she knew it. It was the fact that she hadn’t asked that worried LeRoy. Hiram looked concerned, too. They went upstairs to investigate.

They heard another peal of laughter as they approached Rachel’s bedroom. They could see the lights were on, shining out from underneath the closed door. The girls’ voices were muffled, but LeRoy thought he could make out what they were saying.

_“That’s not humanly possible.”_

_“Sure it is.”_

_“Then prove it.”_

More giggles.

Hiram barely knocked before opening Rachel’s bedroom door. They walked in on Rachel, surrounded by four girls from glee club. For some reason he was fairly sure he didn’t want to know, Tina Cohen-Chang was sitting with one leg tucked behind her head. 

“You’re home early!” Rachel said, guilt writ large on her face.

“The lead tenor was abysmal, so we left at intermission,” LeRoy lied smoothly.

“You didn’t tell us you were having friends over, sweetheart,” Hiram gently chastised.

“I—I know, I—um—”

“It was a last-minute thing, Misters Berry,” Mercedes said. “We’re studying Hollywood musicals to help us write competition songs for Nationals, and no one has a better musical collection than Rachel.” 

They peered around the door frame and saw Rachel’s television was on, the “DVD STOPPED” screensaver scrolling across the screen.

“Rachel knows how important your date nights are and didn’t want to interrupt it, especially with something as innocent as girls’ movie night,” Santana said. Something in her face and tone was a little too arch for LeRoy to buy as sincere. But the other girls looked so concerned and hopeful… LeRoy looked at Hiram.

Hiram got the silent message. “Rachel, you really do need to let us know beforehand when you have friends over, but no harm done. Can we get you girls some more movie snacks? I could whip you up a fruit-and-veggie platter. I know we’ve got carrots, celery, cucumbers, bananas—”

Oddly, the girls struggled to keep straight faces. Santana snorted back a laugh.

Rachel said quickly, “We’re fine. Thank you, Dads. We really should get back to our musical movie research. What were we on? _Moulin Rouge_?”

“Ooh, I love that movie! We really _should_ watch _Moulin Rouge_ ,” Tina said. Mercedes smacked her in the arm. “Oh, I mean we should _continue_ watching _Moulin Rouge._ ”

Hiram nodded hesitantly. “Okay. You girls have a good night. Don’t stay up too late. You don’t want to miss LeRoy’s famous Saturday brunch quiche.”

“Good night!” the girls chorused brightly.

“What do you think they’re up to?” Hiram said as soon as the door shut.

LeRoy didn’t think Hiram heard it, but through the door, he heard one of the girls say, _“It could’ve been worse. They could’ve offered_ cocktail wieners _.”_

LeRoy said, “I didn’t smell marijuana or alcohol, and there are too many boxes under Rachel’s bed for boys to hide under there. Whatever it is, I don’t think we need to be too concerned about it.”

Hiram nodded and sighed. They headed towards their room. “It’s a good thing you didn’t allow me to indulge in living room sex. Our daughter’s friends and their families are quite progressive, but I’ve little doubt we would have gotten some concerned phone calls from parents if half a dozen teenagers found us _en dishabille_ on the couch.” 

LeRoy smiled knowingly. “Good thing our bedroom has a lock on the door. And thick walls.”

Hiram waggled his eyebrows. “We could have our _own_ movie night.”

“I like the way you think, Mr. Berry.”

Hiram fairly sprinted toward the bedroom. LeRoy followed close behind, but he paused for a moment at the threshold, deep in thought. He mumbled to himself, “What’s so funny about cocktail wieners? Could they…?" He shook his head. "Nah."

He locked the door behind him.


End file.
